


Ghosts From The Past

by Mamogirl



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: A little bit of angst, Fantasy, Fluff, Ghost Stories, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Up, Romance, talks about suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-04 00:45:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12759630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mamogirl/pseuds/Mamogirl
Summary: Once upon a time boy met boy and they fell in love. Through pain and heartache, happy end happened like in every fairytale. But that wasn't a fairytale. It was just an old story, a memory kept hidden and treasured within the walls of a house.Years later. Decades later, history repeated itself.





	1. Prologue

Prologue

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_“Why are we still here?”_

_“I don’t know. Do you have some unfinished business?”_

_“Me? I should be the one asking you that. Maybe it’s your ex wife...”_

_“She wasn’t a witch.”_

_“Couldn’t fool me.”_

_“Maybe that’s why we are still stuck here.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because of you.”_

_“Why am I always the one to blame?”_

_The sandy haired man stood on his tiptoes, so that he could meet his lover’s height and leave a kiss on the corner of the mouth. “I’m not blaming you.”_

_“So we still don’t know why we are still here. – The taller blonde man replied with a sigh. – I thought that eternity looked like a private island in the middle of nowhere.”_

_“Maybe that’s our private island. After all, this is where we met. And fell in love.”_

_“When you put in that way...”_

_Something caught the attention of the smaller man. He stopped looking at his partner and turnied his gaze towards what had broken the silence and the tranquility of that place: there was another couple in the house: a small man, just like him and another one much taller, blonde and with the same features of the man that had captured his heart a long time before. These two looked a lot like them, totally and completely in love with each other that it almost hurt, because it brought back memories that weren’t all so kind._

_And it looked like times hadn’t really changed, if he was getting their words right._

_“Maybe there’s another reason. Maybe we are here to help them.” He simply stated, hoping that their help wasn’t really needed._

 

 

The dreams started when they had their first fight. It wasn’t as if they had never discussed before, everyone knew how much heated their discussions could get, even when they were trying to decide which movie to watch together. But there was a detail that no one knew about it, or, at least, that they thought that no one knew yet and that had been the reason for their fight.

To tell or not to tell.

To come out or not.

That had been the reason why they had that first fight.

And it had been horrible.

They had said things that were never okay to say, words that they knew were able to turn into small swords, sharp knives that could hurt more than everything. They knew which buttons to push, how to make that fire burn even stronger and higher.

“You’re ashamed of us.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“It’s not. Why don’t you wanna tell the others about us?”

“Because it’s not their business.”

“Business? Business? They are our own friends! God’s sake, that’s your cousin! How can you not want to tell him?”

“Do we have to have this conversation right now?”

They were in the middle of a moving. Together. It had been such a big step for them, although they had sort of been living together already, nights spent between in one or another’s house and all those hours spent sharing a tour bus. But buying a house together had seemed something bigger, something that told them that things were steady enough to actually believe in a future of infinity together.

And then the fight happened.

“Yes, we do need to have this conversation now.”

“Well, I just want to spend time with you. I don’t want to deal with people telling whatever they think about us.”

“What if they’re happy for us?”

“What if they aren’t? Do you really want to spend all of our free time defending something that doesn’t even need explanations?”

“You’re ashamed. That’s the truth. You act all courageous and then run away from the hardest obstacles. That’s what you always do. You run.”

Was it true? Did he always run away from things when they got too hard and too impossible to face? He wasn't entirely sure but, at that moment, those words had stung more than they should have.

“I don’t run.”

“Yes, you do. You did it with your freaking heart surgery; you did it time after time with me; you did it with your fucking voice problems. And you’re doing it now again.”

“People already hate me. They’re gonna hate you too when they’ll know the truth.”

“Screw them. You really want to stop living your life just because a stranger might hate you? Do you really care so much about other’s opinions? That’s not the Brian I fell in love with.”

“Well, that’s the one you have right now. - Brian bit down on his tongue before he would say something even worse. Something that would literally threw them apart, like those lonely satellites they had been for years. – I’m just asking more time. Is that really too much to ask? Let’s settle down, let’s…”

“More time? More time? – Nick’s voice raised up, as well as that big vein in his neck that Kevin always made fun of. – Fuck! We’ve been in each other’s life for more than 20 years! How much more time do you need?”

Other words had flown, recriminations about blames and faults that they both thought had already lost their power and control over them. They kept fighting and they kept hurting each other, as if that was the only thing they were good at. They kept fighting because they were both stubborn. Because they both wanted to be right and didn’t want to hung up and surrender.

“I swear, Bri... sometimes I don’t even know why I keep sticking around. I’m tired of this.”

“Nick, don’t be overdramatic.”

“I’m not being overdramatic.”

Brian tried to reach out, tried to reach Nick and soothe his anger with a caress and with a hug. But Nick took a step back, putting more distance between them because he couldn’t stand it. He didn’t want to be touched, he didn’t want to talked down as if he was a child. He couldn’t even stay in the same room with Brian right at that moment because he knew that he would say something too horrible, too terrible to be forgotten the morning after.

“I need to go out.”

Brian didn’t reply. He never did it when they fought like that, so viciously and so strongly. They were both hard, difficult to deal with when their pride and their own feelings were hurt: they almost became strangers, two people that didn’t know the other.

Logically, Brian’s mind knew that Nick would be back before the morning would come. Logically, Brian’s mind already knew that they were going to talk and ask forgiveness, trying to go on as if that fight hadn’t even happened. But in his heart, Brian’s certainty wavered a bit for how many long would they be able to pick up the broken pieces and put them back together?  

And so that night the first dream came knocking at his sleep’s door, getting inside his mind even though he hadn’t let it in.

_The house seemed different. It seemed old, much older than it should be. It seemed as if it belonged to another period in time: furniture and decorations had that vintage look that was hard to find in new and modern things, no matter how much they claimed to be ancient and full of history and legend._

_Even the atmosphere tasted of old times._

_The sun was shining, though. Those golden rays entered from the big window of the living room, caressing the wooden floor and then disappearing under couches and chairs. It was such a nice day, that kind of day when all one wanted was to spend it with their beloved or loved ones, out in the fresh air and soaking up looking at the clear sky that still didn’t want to surrender to autumn and winter._

_“Come on! No one is going to notice us!”_

_“You know they will.”_

_“So what? Can’t two friends go out and have a walk together?”_

_A kiss landed upon the temple, a gesture that just wanted to shut down voices and doubts that could ruin their day. “You know we aren’t just friends.”_

_The kiss didn’t bring out the desired effect. “No one knows that.”_

_“We need to be careful.”_

_“I know. I know. It just… it sucks.”_

_He could see them. The two figures. They weren’t in the living room or the kitchen or another room of the ground floor. In a blink, he found himself in the bedroom, all the curtains shut so that the sun couldn’t come and disturb. Or, as one of the couple said, spy and see them. The two men were on the bed, wrapped one around the other in a way that it was impossible to think and believe that they were just friends._

_It was private._

_It was intimate._

_He kinda felt bad to be there, observing a moment that wasn’t and would never be for someone else’s eyes. But he had no other choice, he didn’t even know how he had ended up there. He could just watch, feeling his heart swelling with that taste of love but bittersweet because he knew how a love like that wasn’t stranger to pain. And hurt._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“No, it’s not your fault.”_

_“I’m the one married. It kinda feels like it’s my fault if we can’t be together.”_

_Caresses became a gentle healing touch at every words. There was so much remorse in that tone, there was so much self inflicted pain shining in those blue eyes and, gosh, how much he could share it. How much he knew how it felt to be torn between being who everyone wanted him to be and be who he was. Love who he had loved since the beginning._

_“We’re together. Now. That’s all that mattered.”_

_“Even if we can’t go out like you want?”_

_A sigh filled the air. A voice wanted to be heard. A recrimination wanted to be shared, its loud and angry tone echoing through the walls. But it didn’t get that chance. Not in that moment, at least. “I just want you. Nothing else.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too.”_

When he woke up, the morning after, Brian felt his heart filled with something that he couldn’t quite explain: curiosity, of course, led that strange trail of emotions. But he was unsure too, confused about what that dream could it be about. Most of all, those images didn’t feel like a dream, like something that his mind had made up to let him see how he was behaving and what he was doing wrong.

No, it definitely feel like that.

It definitely feel as if he had been watching a movie, a scene taken from a show set in the older times and starring two actors that were so much alike to him and Nick. Those two, in truth, could have been he and Nick, if they had used a time machine and had landed in that precise time and space.

What did it mean, anyway?

There was a bittersweet taste inside his mouth, though, something that he couldn’t quite shake away because it clicked perfectly with his fight with Nick. Same scenario. Same motivation. Same reason behind it and even the actors were the same, as if in every lifetime he had been the one always trying to live up to what other people wanted for him and Nick the one following.

Waiting.

Just wanting to be with him.

Without even giving much more thought about that dream, Brian turned around and found himself facing Nick. He had gone to bed alone, Nick somewhere around trying to cool down but always coming back.

Always coming back to him.

So Brian scooted over until he could put a hand upon Nick’s hip and slowly and gently kiss his face. Nick didn’t stay asleep for long, waking up almost as he felt Brian’s lips upon his skin.

“I’m sorry.” Brian said as soon as he found himself staring at Nick’s sleepy eyes.

“I’m sorry too. I don’t think you’re…”

Nick couldn’t finish what he was trying to say because Brian placed a finger upon his lips, silencing him. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Bri…”

This time, Brian didn’t just  silence Nick with his finger. This time Brian’s lips found their way up to Nick’s, a gentle brush and caress that soon grew deeper and made them forget about that fight and everything around them. At least for awhile.

And yet Brian could have sworn that he heard a whisper in that room.

_Two figures were standing close to the window, watching the couple in front of them. Blonde hair mixed together with a golden reflection coming from the sun; blue eyes mesmerized every single detail, reminiscing a time when they were the ones filling that room with their love and their promises._

_“They’re so much alike us.”_

_“It’s not fair.”_

_“What’s not fair, love?”_

_“Didn’t we suffer enough?”_

_“It’s not up to us, you know.”_

_“But you said that we needed to help them. Otherwise, why did they end up here?”_

_The smaller and older man didn’t reply immediately. He just looked closely and carefully at the couple, remembering how it felt to be so in love and so afraid at the same time; remembering how it felt to feel the pressure of the world on his shoulder while wanting so badly to just be. In love. Alive. Happy._

_“They need to learn something, I think. - The man returned his gaze towards the one that looked like him, not just physically.  - He needs to learn something. Something that I learned the hard way.”_

_If it was still possible, a shiver ran through the blonde’s spine, vivid images that returned alive even if they had been kept away. Far away. He didn’t want to think about what had happened, especially now that they were together. But, as painful as it was, it had been a lesson that they had learned, something that had made them happier and with more freedom to paint their love with._

_It wasn’t fair. It would never be fair. But there was hope at the end of the tunnel, he and his lover were the not so living proof. “Somehow, they’ll be alright.” The younger said, hoping that he would be right._


	2. First Chapter

First Chapter 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things between Brian and Nick went back to normal. Or some kind of normality for there was still that grey cloud hanging above them, sometimes staying in a corner and just waiting for the right moment to pour down its rain and lightning, sometimes making it like it had disappeared and decided to leave them in peace. But both Brian and Nick didn’t want to engage in another discussion, not when they had so much little time before separating for work so they tried to ignore it, avoid it because the thread that they were walking on was already fragile and it’d take nothing to break it beyond repair.

But while things went back to normal, still the dreams didn’t stop. Quite the opposite, for they became more and more vivid. They became a sort of alternate universe, another reality Brian started living as soon as he would go to bed. They were draining. They were… too much of everything and, at the same time, Brian couldn’t wait to find out another pieces of that puzzle, another hint about that story that was telling itself in his dreams.

He learned a lot of things. He learned that his other self’s name was Thomas and he was a pretty wealthy man, or he came from a wealthy family; he was married, although he had never see the wife. Nick’s other self’s name, instead, was pretty much the same, just written differently. Nicholas. Thomas and Nicholas had met just like he and Nick had done, through Kevin.

And, just like them, they had fallen in love almost immediately.

_“Do you remember our first meeting?”_

_It was a sunny day, happy birds were singing and people were walking through the streets, enjoying that first bite of summer even though it was still spring. Thomas and Nicholas were sitting on the porch swing in the backward, watching the dogs running around and after each others._

_“How can I forget?” Nicholas replied, smiling as big as that memory was._

_“I’ve never actually told you but I hated coming here. I didn’t want to. I was supposed to be somewhere else, I was supposed to travel and see the world. I wasn’t ready to have all those responsibilities on my shoulders. I wasn’t ready to get married as well. But I had to, for the sake of my family. I had to so, maybe, my father could finally see me instead than... I don’t know, I never really had a connection with him. And I wanted it so badly that I would have done everything.”_

_“Like coming here even if you didn’t want to.” Nick added, his fingertips slowly brushing those few inches of bare skin on the neck._

_“Yes. I had to and I just knew I was going to regret it every single day. – Thomas turned his head, just that small amount that would let him stare into Nicholas’s eyes. – And then Kevin made me meet you. And, suddenly, staying here didn’t sound like a nightmare.”_

_That smile that Thomas gave to Nicholas was his favorite. He had never seen someone smiling that big, that natural and that full of love before. Oh, he had seen couples in love. He had seen his friends turning away from him because they had found their soul mates. Jealousy had become his companion, a vile voice that never went away but stayed there, on his shoulder and colored his days and his live with bitterness. Would he ever be able to find someone like that, someone that would look at him as if the sun rose and went down in his eyes._

_Then Thomas came. And, suddenly, he understood what people meant about everything changing when the perfect one came in your life._

_“You turned my life around too. I was so alone. I only talked with Kevin, and that was because we worked together. – A little laugh broke Nicholas’s voice, inspiring Thomas to smile as well. – When he told me that you were coming, I don’t know, I pictured you totally different. More serious. More snob. But you weren’t like that. You smiled at me almost immediately. You took time to get to know me and... I didn’t feel alone with you. I don’t feel alone with you in my life.”_

_Thomas just leaned forward, placing his lips upon Nicholas’s and let that kiss convey what he really thought about that day. He had never been so in love before. He had never found someone to love like he loved Nicholas, the way his heart would always skip a beat even when he would just hear  his voice, carried by the wind through halls and rooms that separated them.  He had never be that happy with someone else, even if it was just for a couple of hours._

_Sometimes, they only had just a few minutes._

_And it was never enough._

_“How much time do we have left?” Nicholas whispered in one ear, his fingers tracing Thomas’s jaw line._

_“A couple of hours. She’s out with her mother and sisters.”_

_“Then, I know how we can use those hours...” There was no need to finish that sentence, Thomas already when what Nicholas wanted to say and, nevertheless, a shiver ran through his spine at that mere thought._

_“I think I know too.”_

It wasn’t that difficult, to Brian, to see why it was happening to him. Although it was a mystery, although it was something that questioned his sanity, he couldn’t help but feeling drawn to those scenes. They made him smile, they made him go back in time and reminiscing those first days, that attraction that had always been there between them. A spark that time hadn’t been able to diminish but, on the contrary, had feed during the hardest of times, protected when darkness and cold had tried to put it off.

Thomas and Nicholas were so much like he and Nick. Not only for the physical appearance.

Just like them, they weren’t able to live their love as freely and natural as it should have been: secret meetings; stealing moments here and there just so that they could be together, just to make it like as if nothing was going around them, and they were just busy with work and life.

God, how much Brian could relate to this!

When he and Nick had first starting dating, even though it was more like staying closer and closer, trying to see if what was attracting them could transform and change into something deeper, they had to be secret. No one could know, and not only because hell would break if it happened. No one could know because that love was still something new for both of them, because other people had been around their lives and one thing that Brian had always promised himself had been not to let them down.

Including Nick.

Never he had been able to deny him. Before their break up, before life tried to swept in between and change all the cards, handing them a few that wouldn’t make them win, Brian had never been able to say no whenever Nick was around: his mere presence was intoxicating, whenever he was in a room his attention would waver, wishing only to reach out and taste his lips, his skin and find out if they held the same taste as the morning or the previous day.

They tried to be careful. If words got out, their careers would end in a blink. If his parents would find out, especially his father, Brian knew that it could be something able to rip them apart, the edges to torn that it would take a miracle to patch them up once again.

But he couldn’t help it.

He couldn’t stay away from him.

They couldn’t stay away from each other.

And so couldn’t Thomas and Nicholas. It was so easy to see the way they would look at each other, those gazes full of a love and attraction almost palpable in the air; sparks would fly when fingertips would briefly meet, in a gesture that was a mix between an accidental caress and something that meant a little bit more.

They couldn’t stand not being together.

And so did Thomas and Nicholas.

_It was just a party._

_It was one of the most boring party Thomas had ever to ensure: he didn’t know all of the people that were there, even though some actually worked for him and others were supposed to be his neighbors. He passed by them, shook hands and exchanged words that didn’t even sound true to him. He didn’t even remember what he actually said, he didn’t remember what people told him: his eyes were scanning the room trying to find a particular shade of blonde, two piercing eyes that would make his heart beat a little bit faster and made him feel like everything was right again in the world._

_Maybe he didn’t want to come._

_Maybe he had changed his mind and Thomas couldn’t really object. He had every right to pull out. He had every right not to come, because all they would get was going to be just a bunch of precious minutes._

_And then there he was. Dashing. Incredibly shy and so out of the place. But so beautiful, much more beautiful than all those girls dancing their hearts out with their clothes and their dresses, much more beautiful and hypnotizing than his own wife. There he was and Thomas almost dropped his glass, the air in the room suddenly hotter and humid._

_There he was. Smiling because he had just seen him too, felt his eyes staring at him and wondered, maybe, if someone else was seeing that attraction, that red thread that linked two souls together even in the middle of a crowded room. But those people ceased to exist. Those people disappeared and there were only two hearts beating and two desires to become as one._

_They met halfway. They met in the darkness because they didn’t want to be seen,. They didn’t want to be discovered._

_“We don’t have much time.”_

_“When do we have it?”_

_Lips immediately silenced the reply, letting them forget about how they shouldn’t be there. Or how they shouldn’t be doing this, kissing and trying to melt into each other. But to hell what they should or shouldn’t do. Remorse was going to surface after, regrets were going to swim side by side with that bitter nostalgia of having known what true love meant and how it felt to be apart from it._

_Not now._

_Not in that moment._

“Why are you looking so serious?” Nick’s voice cut through those images, chasing them away although Brian could still hear soft voices and a whispered “I love you” that didn’t belong to that reality. Brian turned around, realizing that he was still sitting on the couch, in front of a television that had been turned off for a long time.

“What do you mean?”

“You look like you have something on your mind. Is something wrong?”

Brian could detect the worry and the concern latched around Nick’s gentle tone and a part of him wanted to tell him about what has been happening for a couple of days.

But he didn’t.

It was stupid. He was probably tired, that was the only explanation. He had been overworking himself as always, running around and still trying to stick to his therapy sessions and vocal rehabilitation.

“It’s okay. - Brian replied, passing a hand through Nick’s hair and let his fingertips rest upon the neck. – Just a little bit tired. That’s all.”

Nick didn’t seem to buy that lie. He had learned not to during the past years, sometimes in the hard way, and he wasn’t going to let the worst come up again, that was what he had promised himself. So he didn’t reply at first but looked closely and carefully at Brian, trying to find those little hints that would tell him what was off or if Brian was lying and hiding something more serious. He couldn’t find them, though: yes, Brian looked pale, tight lines that saddened, almost, his smile and bags under his eyes but it wasn’t that empty expression that still haunted Nick.

Brian looked tired, that was all.

“Then we should just take the rest of the day off and just cuddle in front of the television.”

“But...” Brian tried to object, for there were too many things left to do and they couldn’t keep postpone them. They were already running late and rehearsal for the tour were just around the corner.

“No buts. – Nick’s tone didn’t admit any bite back, sounding firm. – You need it. We both need it. Just a few hours.”

There was a plea underneath those words. There was an innuendo that Brian couldn’t let it pass, an implied fear that was going to stay with them for years and years, even when memories and images would just be a colorless and meaningless memory.

And, as he let Nick snuggled around him while they settled more comfortably on the couch, Brian just let those words roll around his mouth trying to gain more and more truth.

He was just tired.


	3. Second Chapter

Second Chapter

  


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_“I’m worried.”_

_“Mh?”_

_Lazy fingers started to draw lines and circles on the pale skin, wanting nothing more than wrapping itself around that body and made him forget about whatever was that weighted so much on his shoulders. “I’m worried. About you.”_

_Fluttering kisses landed upon the temple, a kind and fragile way to kick away those lines. “I’m fine.”_

_“Don’t lie. Not to me, at least.”_

_A frustrated sigh filled the air. Thomas curled up tighter around Nicholas, wishing he could erase all those worries and whatever troubled him. He shouldn’t. All he had to was to be happy, although he knew that it was almost impossible given their situation. And it hurt._

_Oh God, if it hurt._

_For all his life, Thomas had wanted nothing more but doing the right thing. The good thing. Not just for himself but for everyone around him, even people he might not know but could and would judge him at his first misstep. And so he had tried to do whatever was expected of him: working for the family’s company, look after his parents and his brother. Marry. Have a family. He did all of it, believing that, one day, he would finally be happy. Believing that, if he would manage to make everyone happy, then he would be left alone so that he could realize his own dreams._

_What a fool he had been!_

_Because he hadn't been happy. He had always felt stranded, left behind because it didn't matter how hard he tried or how good he was. He still didn't manage to be happy. He still felt as if he was living a life that it wasn't his own and he was playing a role that didn't quite fit him._

_All he wanted was to be happy._

_And happy he became, but only when Nicholas came into his life and brought colors and feelings that he had never experienced before: life was fuller now that he had this wonderful soul on his side, life was warmer when kisses came from those red lips that had meant trouble for the first second he had tasted them. Thomas had never felt that alive before, had never felt like he could move mountains and seas just because he had found his missing piece. More important, Thomas had never like he could let go of all those responsibilities and duties he had buried his soul under and be just a careless man._

_A careless and happy man._

_But happiness came with a price and Brian was still unsure if he could afford it._

_So many people depended on him. So many hopes and faith had been stored within his life and how could he throw all of it as if it was nothing? How could he let his parents down like that? But Nicholas depended on him as well, Nicholas had trusted him with his well being and his heart and hurting him, breaking that fragile heart was the most terrible crime._

_There was no solution._

_He was trapped, thoughts never let him alone not even when he was sleeping, cursing him with tears and words so full of disappointment and hate that never disappear when light woke him up._

_He was lying to everyone. He was lying to himself. because he couldn't have it all. Thomas knew that a price was boud to come and knock at his door, demanding to be paid._

_Someone was going to get hurt ._

_And Thomas didn’t want to pull that trigger._

_“I’m not lying. – He only replied, shifting so that he could be face to face with Nicholas. – I’m always fine when I’m with you.”_

_“You aren’t fine. And... and I get it. Everyone wants a piece of you and you don’t know who to listen to. I...”_

_Nicholas couldn’t finish his sentence because a kiss stole away time and space, managing to silence whatever options was about to stretch its wings and fly away. But Thomas knew, suspected what was about to come out and didn’t want that thought to come alive. It would be so horrible, it would destroy whatever ounce of confidence and security he still held in front of his lover. So the kiss stole away Nicholas’s resistance, that kiss that immediately turned into flames that burned brighter than the sun, passion that filled those spots where tiredness and fragilities had blackened a soul and a heart that wanted to be loved._

_To be accepted._

_And wasn’t that what everyone searched and longed for? Wasn’t being accepted for everything that you were and for every mistakes you’ve made what love, real love, was made of?_

_And Thomas had found it. Thomas had found that person that made him feel like it was okay not to be perfect, not to do whatever everyone wanted from him but just do whatever made him happy. Thomas had found Nicholas and all that Nicholas wanted was to be able to be with him out in the sun._

_But he couldn’t._

_He wanted but he couldn’t._

_No matter what, he was hurting someone and it would only stop it..._

_Unless..._

“I’m worried.”

Brian tiredly turned his head towards Nick, standing on the doorway and leaning against the frame. And worried he was, tiny lines disrupted that smooth and carefree face that Brian had come to love and protect.

“I’m fine.”

“No, you aren’t fine. – Nick replied, his voice frustrated and annoyed. – You haven’t been fine in a long time.”

That was true. Oh, how much it was true. The dreams kept him awake every night, draining energies as if they were real, as if they were monsters that needed to feed from him if they wanted to stay alive. He couldn’t think about anything else anymore, no matter how much he had tried. No matter how many times he told himself that their situations weren’t the same, that whatever had happened in that house couldn’t and shouldn’t interfere with his life.

Impossible.

The dreams kept coming back. Every night. Every hour. Tempting. Mysterious. Different lives revealed themselves with every tick of the clock, a story that wanted to be heard and listened. Brian couldn’t run away from those ghosts, somehow they had become a sort of company that he couldn’t shake away. Those dreams were like drugs, addicting and making their way under his skin.

Inside his mind.

But they weren’t dreams anymore. Thomas and Nicholas didn’t stay hidden during the day anymore, but they were coming out whenever they wanted and beckoning him to go with them, to watch our their lives had been shattered because of secrets and fear.

“I’m tired.” That was all he could manage to say, the lie slipping away like it was the easiest thing to do. But it was a terrible lie, so outspoken and so shining in its clothes that Nick caught it immediately, his disappointment and sadness written in grey clouds and darkened face.

“You’re always tired. And always sleeping.” Helplessness swept around Nick’s tone, drawing a knife so close to Brian’s heart. It would have been so easy to hold out a hand, it would have been so easy to tell him everything that was happening.

Yet, Brian didn’t.

How could he even begin to explain what was happening? How could he tell Nick that he was basically living in two worlds, trying to find his way out?

“I’m sorry.”

“About what, Brian? What are you really sorry for? Are you sorry that you’re hiding from me? Again?”

“Nick…”

Nick didn’t even seem to listen to Brian, it would have been impossible to heart that soft, too soft and broken whisper. But Nick didn’t hear it because nothing could stop that waves of anger that were raging inside him. For too long he had kept his worries at bay. For too long he had tried to comprehend what was really happening, tried to tell himself that it wasn’t like the last time. The last _times_. He had tried to reassure himself that Brian wasn’t keeping secrets anymore, that he just needed a soft push because he wasn’t just used to. But nothing changed. Brian hadn’t changed, always so stubborn and so determined not to ask for help.

Not to trust him.

“Are you sorry that you can’t trust me? What are you really sorry for?”

There were many things Brian was sorry for. It seemed that he would never be able to do the right thing, especially when it came to Nick. He should be able to turn to him, to tell him what was happening and trying to find a way to fix it together; and, yet, something pulled him from pronouncing those words. Something or someone, he wasn’t sure anymore.

The whisper seemed to grow louder and louder, coming from a corner of that same bedroom. The whisper forced Brian to turn his gaze away from Nick, away from that hurt and that pain he was inflicting, and focusing on the figure that was almost waiting for him.

Nicholas.

The other Nicholas.

Both his Nick and Nicholas were wearing the same expression, although the latter was mixed with a raw desperation that almost cut Brian’s breathing.

_“We need to stop him.”_

“I can’t go on like this, Brian.”

Fantasy and reality clashed together, mixed into something, a mist that were wrapping itself around Brian’s mind and blocked every attempt and chance to understand what was happening. What was he supposed to do? Who was he supposed to listen?

_“Please. He’s about to do something stupid. I know. You need to save him.”_

“You don’t even care anymore, do you? You sit there and you don’t even notice that everything is falling apart. Why are you doing this?”

Everything was falling apart. Brian knew it but still couldn’t lift a single finger to stop it. He was just too tired. Too exhausted. Too involved in a past that, maybe, was part of his too. Maybe he had to save himself, or whoever Thomas was, to save his relationship with Nick.

_“You need to save us,”_

“I’ll be waiting, Brian. You know that. – Nick’s tone broke into a sob, a tear was slowly falling down without no one trying to stop it. Unnoticed. – I don’t know how long. I can’t give up. I won’t give up. But how can I make you see that you’re the one giving up? I... I’m sorry. I can’t stand here and watching you like... like that.”

An objection was about to leave Brian’s parted lips. His heart, his mind was screaming, yelling him to stop staring at a ghost instead than trying to save whatever was left of his relationship. But Brian couldn’t do it, no matter how hard he tried to turn his gaze away from Nicholas.

_“Please... I can’t lose him.”_

Nick, his Nick, didn’t say anything. Nick, his Nick, wasn’t there anymore. Only silence met Nicholas’s plea, absence made the room feel colder and colder. Nick had left, too tired too. Too tired to fight a battle without even knowing who he was fighting against. Too tired to be left behind, left blind to whatever Brian, the one who was supposed to be his partner, was facing.

_“Come, please. Save him.”_

How could Brian save Thomas, when he wasn’t even able to save himself?

_“Please.”_

Yet he couldn’t resist. He couldn’t stand there and not doing nothing. Nicholas’s tears seemed to rest upon his face: Brian could feel that salty taste on his lips, although it could have belonged to Nick. God, he was really that good at making him cry, wasn’t he?

_Save him_

_Save him_

_Save yourself._

It was too tempting. It was all he could think. What was going to happen? Why did he need to save those two ghosts?

_“Come with me.”_

Nicholas held out a hand and Brian reached out, closing his eyes and letting himself be drowned in another time and space.

“I’m sorry Nick.”

_He found himself lost for a moment. Everything felt so different. Everything seemed so different. It was the same house as before but Brian couldn’t recognize, so absorbed by darkness and silence._

_Where was everyone?_

_Where was Nicholas?_

_Brian turned around, trying to see if he could understand what was going on. Silence embraced him. Coldness tried to sweep inside his veins, along with a sense of fear and terror. Urgency was making his heart beating faster and faster, a sense of panic tried to warn him._

_Yet Brian kept walking: from the living room through the kitchen, up to the stairs and until he found himself in the bedroom. His bedroom, his and Nick’s bedroom in reality but, in that other dimension, belonged to Thomas and Nicholas. And there stood Thomas, sitting on the edge and looking to the ground. Nothing seemed out of place, nothing told or screamed danger and, yet, it was a scene so unsettling._

_Brian walked over the man, his heart beating a little faster. Something caught his attention, a silver reflection that almost caught off the air he was breathing._

_A knife._

_That was what Thomas was holding in his hands, close, so damn close to the skin._

_“Don’t.”_

_For a moment, Brian thought that Thomas couldn’t hear him. Didn’t hear him. Why would he hear him? He was a ghost, although he wasn’t really sure if he was the ghost or if it was Thomas. How did things work in that dimension? Would he be allowed to reach out and take the knife away from Thomas’s hands?_

_There was only one way to find out._

_“It’s the only way.”_

_The voice came out before Brian could even come closer. It was a broken tone, the voice of someone who had given up and could only think about only one solution. It struck Brian, maybe because it was a sensation that he knew too well.  Nick never knew how bad things had gotten before he had been able to pull himself up, before coming to terms to who he really was and who he wanted to be._

_“No, it’s not. Talk to Nicholas. Let him help you.” How idiot that advice sounded with his voice. Hadn’t he done the complete opposite? Hadn’t he kept Nick in the dark instead than letting him inside about what was happening to him?_

_“I’m helping him. It’s the only way.”_

_Brian couldn’t touch the knife. He tried, tried, tried but every time he ended up just grabbing air. “How can killing yourself be helpful? You’re gonna kill him too.”_

_“I thought I could be like him. I thought I could forget about what everyone wanted from me and just be happy. But I can’t. What’s the sense of being alive if I can’t stay with him? What’s the sense of being alive if I’m gonna lose the only one I love?”_

_“You’re still gonna lose him.”_

_Thomas shook his head, his fingers gripping tighter the knife. “He will go on. He will find someone better than me, someone strong enough to tell the world that he’s proud of loving and being loved by Nicholas. He’s gonna forget me and that’s... that’s terrible but it’s the only way if I wanted him to be happy.”_

_Shock filled Brian’s mind. Those words kept ringing and ringing, spinning around and taunting him. Didn’t he say the same things? Ages ago. An old mistake that he was still trying to make it right, an old wound that still hadn’t healed perfectly. And the doubt had never faded away, that horrible thought that the only way to make Nick happy was to be far away from him, no matter how shattering it could have been. Now, hearing those words from someone else, Brian realized how stupid and silly they were: they wouldn’t change what was shared between them, no matter how wrong or small it might be. On the contrary, that love was something that went above every obstacle and doubt, something so inexplicable that it was better just to let it be and let it be wrapped around their hearts._

_“He won’t ever be happy without you.”_

_“He’s unhappy with me.”_

_“He loves you. He just wants to be with you and he won’t ever hold it against you. Things... sometimes life is complicated but only because we don’t want to see how easy it would be if we just forget about everyone else and just focus on what we want. – He should really start to listen to his own advices, Brian thought with a sad smile. It took him a dream, or whatever he was living in that moment, to realize how stupid and foolish he had been. Again. – If you do this now, if you kill yourself, you’re not gonna solve anything.”_

_Thomas raised his head up, crossing his eyes with Brian’s. Gosh, they were so alike! Two drops of water, they even shared those lines that only too many responsibilities and worries could bring. “You’re a good person.”_

_“You’re too. Otherwise Nicholas wouldn’t have fallen in love with you.”_

_“I’m not who he thinks I am. He just... he just sees me with a look that... – Thomas didn’t finish what he was saying, shaking his head and lowering his head. - ... Don’t make the same mistakes, Brian.”_

_“Don’t make a mistake.”_

_“It’s too late for us. It’s too late for me. I can’t undone what I’ve done. I can’t undone all the wrongs I’ve made. But you can, Brian. You can be happy. You can make your Nick happy.”_

_Time was slipping away so fast. Brian could feel it, seeping and sewing a cut between threads of time. Someone or something, some sort of force, was already trying to pull him away from Thomas. Away from trying to save him, to save Nicholas and that love. Everyone deserved to be happy. Everyone deserved a second chance. He couldn’t stand there and watch that tragedy unfolding right before his eyes._

_He just couldn’t let it happen._

_“You can make your Nicholas happy. Pull that knife away and...”_

_Brian couldn’t even finish his own sentence because a loud bang exploded against the door, followed by a constant and repetitive knocking._

_Nicholas._

_“Thomas! Thomas, open this damned door! Open it!”_

_“Come on, Thomas! Listen to him! Don’t make him find your dead body.” It was a desperate attempt, Brian knew it. It was a desperate attempt because he knew that they were both damn stubborn and wanting so desperately to do the right thing, whatever it cost._

_And indecision was starting to take control. Brian could see that Thomas wasn’t that sure anymore of his decision and each sound that came from outside the door was a beat that tumbled his resolution. Brian knew that he couldn’t do more but just hoping, wishing and praying that Nicholas could find a way to get into the room: saving him wasn’t really up to him, he had someone to else to save but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to leave that dimension until that scene would be over._

_Until the happy ending._

_“Thomas, open this damn door. Whatever you think about doing now isn’t the solution. Listen to me, damn you!”_

_Brian kneeled down, standing face to face to Thomas. “Listen to him. You can solve this.”_

_“I’ll never be able to give him what he needs and wants. How can I solve this?”_

_“Do you love him?”_

_“Yes.” Thomas replied, his sincerity and honesty making his tone sounding even louder and needing no objection._

_“That’s all he needs. That’s all he wants. The rest... everything else is something you can solve. With time. Hold on to that love and, somehow, you two will make it through.”_

_It seemed like his words had made it through Thomas, although he was still sitting on the bed and didn’t make no movements at all. Nicholas, on the other hand, kept banging and pushing against the door until, maybe thanks to some kind of a miracle, he managed to pull it open. Two strides and he was already next to Thomas, crouching down and enveloping him in what looked like the tightest embrace._

_“The fuck you were thinking?”_

_“Nicho...”_

_“No, no. You don’t get to speak. What the hell were you doing? Do you think that you could kill yourself and I would be okay with it? Are you that stupid?”_

_The knife hadn’t magically disappeared. But it fell from Thomas’s hands, lying on the ground between them as a reminder of the tragedy that had hang upon them._

_“Tell me. Tell me why you thought that this could be the right solution for us.”_

_“You’ll be free.”_

_“Free? That’s how you see it? That I’m some sort of caged bird? That I need freedom?”_

_“You need to be with someone who’s free to love you. I can’t. And you know it.”_

_“But you love me. And even this crazy and stupid gesture is a proof that you do, that you do want to stay with me instead than this life. But it’s not gonna be solved with you dead. Because I’ll be dead too. Not tomorrow. Not the day after. But soon I’d follow you because there can’t be life if you’re not here with me.”_

_“I...” Thomas wanted to say how sorry he was, how much he had messed things up once again but, instead, a sob tore his voice away, breaking a self-control that seemed so weak and fragile at that moment._

_“You’re okay. You’re okay.” Nicholas murmured in a soft voice, lips caressing and kissing every inch of Thomas’s face and forehead. The other man held on tightly at his lover, finally letting out all those tears and those emotions that he had kept inside for too long._

_Brian felt his own tears streaming down his face, hot drops filled with relief, because a tragedy had been prevented. But that wasn’t the only motive behind his crying. There was happiness, though, because it was always such a joy to see two souls, two hearts, being reunited after so much pain and suffer. Heartache that Brian knew as if it had been his own because it had been his own for so long that it almost became a precious friend._

_But there was happiness because, oh, because now Brian could see that he had always had everything twisted and turned wrong. Finally he could see what had been in front of him, that amazing luck that had brought Nick back to him everytime. Fate, destiny. Whatever it had been, whatever name he could use for it, it had always managed to cover all their mistakes and tried to make him see what was really important._

_What really mattered._

_“I’m sorry. I... I’m so sorry. I just... I don’t how to make this right.”_

_“Do you love me, Thomas?” Nicholas asked, cupping Thomas’s face and wiping away those tears that were still staining his skin._

_“Of course. I love you more than words can. I love you since I first saw you in that room, looking so small and lost. I just knew that I had to help you. I just knew that I had to find a way to make you smile.”_

_“And you did. You still do, even when I want to kick your ass because you’re being so damn stubborn.”_

_A smile managed to curve Thomas’s lips. “You love me because of that, don’t you?”_

_“Yes, I do. I love you. And even if we have to keep loving each other in the dark, I won’t mind. It would never be that hard and horrible as living my life with half of my heart, because the other had decided that it wasn’t worth the fight. You’re, Thomas. Our love is worth fighting.”_

_Brian couldn’t help but nod at those words. Those were the same words he had told Nick so many times; those were the words that had convinced Nick to try again, to forget about their past and their history and start all over again. And those were the words he should had held on to when the first storm had started to form in their sunlight._

_Their love was worth fighting. Their love was worth whatever people and the world would throw them against._

_“Thank you. Thomas, Nicholas. Thank you.” Brian simply whispered as the two men started to disappear, as reality suddenly reappeared and took control back._

 

Brian woke up as the sun was already fading. For the first time he felt alive, nothing was holding him back. For the first time, he knew exactly what he was supposed to do and wasn’t afraid or too tired to do it.

He had a lot to fix. A lot to explain.

But, first, he had to get Nick back.


	4. Third Chapter

Epilogue

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There was a loud bang and it came from the front door. Nick hid his head under the pillow and wished that whoever was making that rumor would soon get that no one was inside the house. It wasn’t as if he had been sleeping, the complete opposite. He couldn’t sleep, not when he had left Brian in that way.

With a groan, Nick hid even more under his pillow.

He still didn’t know what exactly happened. He didn’t know how to explain it, that was the reason why he had never talked to anyone else, not just because no one was aware about their relationship. He had tried to be reasonable. He had tried to give Brian the benefit of doubt, be the mature and responsible one when, a couple of years before, he would have turned into a Hulk and not even tried to understand why Brian was acting that way.

But it didn’t help. Frustration had set in, anger and hurt had become a flame that had grown and grown until it had been impossible to shut down. Worry and concern had fed those flames, leaving him with ashes of feeling completely useless and left out in the darkness.

He had been just a mere spectator, a witness of that bizarre and more and more worrying way Brian was acting.

Acting.

Truth was that Brian wasn’t actually acting. That was the problem. Brian was... Nick didn’t even know how to describe it. It was so unexplainable. It was so strange, as though as someone had replaced the Brian he had known for years. It was as if Brian was slowly becoming a ghost, hiding and hiding as if he really desired to disappear completely until, one day, he would be gone in a blink.

Nick couldn’t be sure if it had been because of his problems raising their heads up again or if something else had happened. And the root of their problems still lived in that territory: Why hadn’t Brian talked to him? Why did he always have to be kept in the darkness, as if he was still that boy who couldn’t see past his issues or his ego? Why couldn’t Brian see that he had changed, that all he wanted now was to take care of the most important treasure in his chest? Why couldn’t Brian trust him to be his hero, for once in his life?

But a little voice, whispered in secret and during the darkest hour of the night, told Nick that things weren’t as they seemed. Something was not right, and not just because of Brian’s unwillingness to ask for help. Something weird was going on and that voice wanted him to do something.

But Nick didn’t know what to do.

He had tried, of course he did. He had tried to give Brian space, hoping that he would soon come to him once he had cleared his head and found the right words to use. It usually went that way, with Brian suddenly coming up to him and lay down all the problems that had troubled him, all the thoughts that had haunted him. Never he asked for advice, though. All Brian asked, during those times, was just to be listened, to be held and comforted. To be loved, despite his weakness and flaws.

This time it didn’t happen. This time Brian didn’t come up to Nick and that had left him completely dumbstruck, out of options. What could he do? How could he shake Brian and bring back the man he loved?

Maybe it hadn’t been the right attempt, leaving the house where they were trying to start a new life together. But he had tried and now it was just up to Brian to come back.

The knocking hadn’t stopped. Actually, it grew louder and louder and maybe... Nick thought that maybe it was Brian, although he had the key to let himself in.

_“Maybe he’s afraid he won’t find you.”_

Nick got up, kicking blankets and sheets on the end of the bed. He walked over the window and looked down, directly on the driveway where Brian’s car was indeed parked. His heart did a jump, doubts and fears started to retreat because Brian was there and surely they would find a way to fix that problem.

Whatever it was.

_“Go and listen to him. Don’t doubt his love.”_

Nick turned around abruptly. That wasn’t his conscience. That wasn’t his voice. But there was no one in the room with him, although the air felt and seemed different.

_“Don’t doubt your love.”_

Brian’s knocking didn’t slow down. Stubborn he was and Nick surely love that trait, for it had been the reason why there were still together. It was the reason why Brian was still there, with him. Alive. Nick picked up the shirt he had discarded some hours before and climbed down the stairs, still unsure about that voice and that presence he was so sure he had felt back in his room.

“Brian, fuck, you have your key, why...”

Nick didn’t manage to finish his question because, as soon as he opened the door, Brian blocked every word with a kiss. Hands cupping his face, lips that finally felt alive and burning with a fire that soon lit up Nick’s heart, touches and caresses that spoke that language so private and so intimate. It wasn’t just an apology. It wasn’t just a sorry dancing on a tune that didn’t need words or speeches: it was raw passion, a desire that melt every defenses and every resistance. It was Brian’s love and Nick’s soul and heart were thirsty, longing for those drops that would make that arid desert go away. Nick fell in that kiss, lost himself without caring about knowing what and why it had happened: for that moment in time, what mattered was that he was back inside Brian’s arms; what mattered was that his lover, his partner and his other half was finally back. Nick’s arms went around Brian’s waist, pulling the man closer and closer until Nick could hear his heart beat faster and faster: their heartbeat matched, they decided to run and dance the same tune, an explosion of fireworks and lights that made the whole world around them brighter and warmer.

They didn’t break apart when the kisses ended. They stayed wrapped inside their arms, locked in a moment when time and space lost their meaning: eyes met eyes, blue lost itself into another blue and soon they were indivisible.

“I need to tell you why... I need to tell you what happened.”

“It’s okay.”

“No. It’s not. I treated like shit and, gosh, I don’t think you’ll ever believe me.”

Nick frowned, confused at those words. “You know me, Bri. I believe in aliens, I’m pretty sure that what happened is way more credible than...”

But Brian shook his head. He almost couldn’t believe it but it happened, he still could remember feeling that pain as if it had been his own, as if he had been the one almost taking his life so that his other half could have a happy life. “Come with me.”

“Where?”

“Back home.”

“Can’t you tell me here?”

“No. No. – Brian shook his head, his eyes bigger and filled with a mist of desperation and anticipation that almost scared Nick. - You need to come with me. Please.”

Nick wasn’t sure about what to say. It was the middle of the night and, although he was the first desiring, needing, to know the reason behind Brian’s weirdness in the last days, what he wanted more was to erase those hours, those words that still burn inside his heart. What Nick really wanted to do was show and being showed how much their love was still there, pulsating and more alive than before; explanations could wait until the morning But Brian wouldn’t let him, securing his hand tightly around Nick’s wrist and pulling him, pushing him to go. “Brian, you can tell me tomorrow...”

“I know I’ve acted like an idiot. I should have told you earlier, I should have told you right from the start and… I’ve hurt you. I know that and isn’t it what I always end up doing? I keep hurting you no matter how much I love you, no matter how many times I’ve promised not to make the same mistakes all over again. And I don’t know, Nick. I don’t know why you keep staying. I don’t know how you can keep staying in love with someone like me.”

“I stay because I love you. I stay because I know you are like this, you aren’t used to have me as a partner instead of someone you need to protect and defend. And it infuriates me. It drives me mad and, yes, it hurts. It hurts because I’m here and I’m not going anywhere, even if you would tell me that you’ve been seeing ghosts.”

A laughter flew out from Brian’s lips, breaking that moment so full of intensity and truth. And that laughter confused Nick, who couldn’t help but looking at Brian with a frowned expression. “Hey, I’m trying to be serious here!”

“I know, I know. And you’re gonna laugh too once I tell you the whole story. – Brian replied, circling Nick’s waist with his arms. – Come with me, please.”

And Nick did come. And Nick let Brian lead the way, as it’s always been: Brian leading, Nick following in the steps of that man that had always been so far away and, yet, so closer than anyone else in his life. Nick let Brian lead him to his car, getting inside and starting to drive back to what was shaping to be their home. Lights caught Brian’s expression while Nick was staring, capturing a beauty that seemed out of time: something must have happened, something so weird and strange because Brian had that look he got when he was trying to figure things out: he should have been angrier; he should have stood his ground and pretended more explanations, or a declaration of trust and faith.

But he didn’t need them.

Not anymore, at least.

Maturity had a strange effect on him, Nick had to admit it. Maturity was that voice that was whispering and reassuring that it hadn’t been a matter of trust or faith; maturity was the certainty that Brian loved him, more than words or kiss could explain; maturity was knowing that Brian would be more sorry , more regretful of his decisions and acts. Maturity was knowing, without a doubt, that their relationship would be growing stronger because they hadn’t let go, they hadn’t turned their backs and given up when the first obstacle had raised its stake. Maturity was reaching out a hand and placing it on Brian’s, feeling its warmth and watching how a simple touch, a tiny gesture like a caress, could bring such reassurance on the other man’s face.

“I’m gonna make it up to you, Nick. I’m gonna try harder to be less stubborn, to let you in instead than trying to fix things on my own.”

“I know. I mean... I’m still mad at you, don’t doubt it. But I’ve fought so hard to have you back that I’m not gonna change my mind just because of this accident. Or because you want to be some kind of superhero.”

“I... I don’t want to be a superhero!”

“Yes, you do. You’ve always wanted it.”

“I object to that statement.”

“Object as much as you want but it’s the truth. – Nick grinned, happy and content that things were already going back at normal, as if nothing had disrupted their flow. – But it’s okay, because I’ve always imagined you as my superhero.”

“Which means that you’re my Robin?”

“Sort of. But with me being your Robin, it means that you’ve to let me help you sometimes. Even if I don’t get it a lot of times, even if I don’t pay too much attention, you have to let me in. Otherwise we will always be back to what we used to be. And it would have never worked.”

“No, it wouldn’t. – Brian replied, his eyes looking strangely serious and, somehow, lost in an old memory. – But I guess that is why things worked that way.”

“I like this thinking. – Nick agreed, leaving a kiss on top the of Brian’s head. - I like to think that we were always meant to be together, despite our terrible history.”

They arrived at their destination before Brian could reply or add something to that statement. Although he could only agree with those words, for it had been a miracle if they had managed to find the way back to each other’s arms.

It had been fate.

“So, we’re back here. What do you want to tell me?”

“You’re gonna think I’ve become crazy.”

“Brian, love, I already believe that you’re crazy and so does half of our fans. That’s not a news,”

“This is a totally different crazy. This is something that you might see in a movie. I still can’t actually believe that it happened to me.”

“Brian, you’re worrying me. A lot. And I’m already worried because you look... you looked like you were becoming a ghost. And nothing that I said or did was able to get through you. You were... you seemed to be living somewhere else, somewhere I wasn’t able to reach you. And it scared the shit out of me.”

Without even thinking, Brian walked around the car and wrapped Nick into the tightest hug he could manage. “I’m here, now. I’m back.”

“I know. – Nick whispered, hiding his face between Brian’s hair. – But I was so scared. And you know how I react when I’m like that. Especially if you’re the one involved.”

Yes, Brian knew exactly how Nick reacted in those situations: he would get mad, frustrated because he couldn’t do anything to help or because he wasn’t trusted enough to know whatever that was going on through his head and soul. Brian had watched Nick grew angrier and angrier, pushing him to say something and he still felt a little bit at fault because he hadn’t been able to stop that vicious cycle.

“I’m sorry.” He admitted at least, his eyes not being able to hold Nick’s gaze filled with still so fresh hurt. Hurt caused by him, of course.

“Just tell me what happened. It’s freaking cold.”

“Why didn’t you put on some clothes?”

“I’m wearing clothes, thank you very much.”

“If you’re cold, you should have worn something warmer.”

“I wasn’t planning of going out in the middle of the night.”

“I could have waited...”

“Waited? You basically tore my arm off because you were in such of hurry!”

“Well, we can go inside. We don’t have to have this conversation right outside. – Brian said with a laugh. – I can even make you a cup of tea.”

Nick’s eyes suddenly lighted up. “Your tea?”

“Yes. Actually, I need a cup of it too.”

Sitting in front of each other, a hot and warm cup of tea between their hands, the air and atmosphere rounded around them and shaped itself into some sort of bubble where words and secrets could be told, and no one else was going to know and twisted them in something different and crueler.

“Remember when we had that big fight? About me not wanting to tell everyone about us?”

“I do and...”

“You were right, by the way. – Brian interrupted Nick, especially because he didn’t want to get through another argument like that. Never again. - But that’s something we’ll discuss later. That night I had this dream although it wasn’t a dream. It didn’t feel like I was dreaming but more like I had landed in another dimension. Another reality where this house was lived by two other men.”

“Who?”

“Their names were Thomas and Nicholas. And they were lovers.”

“Brian, I’m not following you.”

“These two men were the split image of you and me. They looked so much alike us. And they were so much like us: they couldn’t live their love out in the sun, they couldn’t be together. Only in rare occasions. – A sad smile curved Brian’s lips, it didn’t sound that weird when talking with Nick. – They loved each other so much. And during those moments together, I saw the same light I see when you look at me: love. Pure love.”

“You saw two ghosts. That’s what you’re telling me.”

“I know, it sounds crazy. I still can’t get my head wrapped around it but it’s true. It happened. They were here, I could feel their presences and it was... overwhelming. I couldn’t do anything to stop those scenes; I couldn’t walk away from it, no matter how they always left me with less energies and strengths. It was almost as if they were feeding energy from me, as if they needed me to keep on living. I didn’t know why they chose me instead of someone else. Until today.”

Nick wasn’t actually sure about what he was supposed to say or do. On one hand, that story sounded too crazy and out of the world even for him: aliens? Strange things happening? He could believe them, there wasn’t any doubts about it. But ghosts? Not just ghosts, but two ghosts that looked like he and Brian and that sort of got back to living through Brian?

It couldn’t be real.

But, on the other hand, Brian was so damn serious about it. He wouldn’t use an excuse like that if it hadn’t been real. And some on those things... well, they did sound right, how Brian had started to look more and more tired, more and more absent as if there was constantly something on his mind.

Could it be?

“I know how it sounds, Nick. I know it’s hard to believe and I won’t be mad if you’d walk out that door pretending a better explanation. But it’s true. Thomas and Nicholas actually lived in this house, decades and decades before we chose it to start our life together. And they were like us: in love but not being able to live this love as everyone else. Until something happened. Until Thomas almost killed himself because that was the only way out he could see to make everyone happy. – Brian’s hands gripped the mug tighter, not even caring about if it was still hot and if he could burn his hands. He was still seeing that scene playing in front of his eyes, he still could feel Thomas’s pain and confusion. He still could understand why he thought that killing himself could be the only way. – That moment opened up my eyes. I saw myself in him. I saw myself trapped inside those thoughts, those words and those needs that had ruined my own voice, not only my mind and soul. I know what he felt. I know how it feels when you know that you have only yourself to blame if your loved one is hurting. I saw myself wondering how could I make everyone happy, how could I be with you without knowing that I’m letting someone else down. And I saw you. I saw you in Nicholas, I saw how much you were hurting not only because of what we, me and Thomas, did but because we were the ones hurting and you didn’t know how to help us. I saw you trying to save me thousand and thousand times again, wanting nothing more than to be happy. Wanting nothing more than making me happy. And, in the end, we just want the same thing. So let’s make it happen. Let’s be happy because there is always going to be someone disappointed or judging but, as long as you aren’t that someone, then I don’t care anymore. I love you and nothing, and no one, is going to change it.”

Shock filled Nick’s head, shock swirled around his brain as he tried to come through all the things that Brian had let out in that brief moment in time: happiness was the first reaction, how could he not be happy when he finally got what he wanted? But it wasn’t just that, it wasn’t just hearing from Brian that he had been right all along: that only made his pride happy and he was going to brag about it, no doubt. It was all the rest, it was Brian finally recognize that life was too short to keep trying to make other people happy, to always trying to live up to their expectations even if it meant being miserable and hurt. All Nick wanted, in that moment, was to forget about all the other things they needed to talk, and the words they needed to say sorry for, and just pick up that man and show him how much he loved him. How much Brian made him happy just because he was there. Every time. After every fight or discussion. Brian was there, admitting his wrongs, waiting for him to admit his own wrongs so that they could stick together as always.

As it was always meant to be.

But there was something stopping him. And that something was the other emotion coming up right after the happiness. The shock. That acid and bitter taste left by some of the things that Brian had said and that didn’t sit well, mostly because it was a face and a side that Brian had rarely let someone else see.

“What do you mean when you said that you saw yourself in Thomas? Fuck, Brian, why don’t you tell me those things?”

“I... – Brian stopped half sentence, not really sure what to say. Mostly, he didn’t want to go back at that time when negative and black clouds had darkened his mind. It was in the past. – It didn’t matter anymore, Nick. We weren’t together at that time and it wasn’t just you, it was everything and how I’ve never trusted myself. But you saved me, Nick. That’s what matters. You saved me, just like Nicholas saved Thomas.”

Tears started to burn inside Nick’s eyes as Brian stood up and, after circled around the table, went over him. Nick wanted to say something, wanted to raise his head and tell Brian how much those words meant the world to him. How much they could change perspective about their relationship, always unbalanced because it had always been Brian the hero and Nick the silent assistant who never thought he was good enough to stand the same ground. To hear Brian saying that he had been the one saved, that he had been the one playing the hero, for Nick it was as if years of low self-confidence and inferiority had been wiped away. Forgotten.

“I still don’t know if it’s all happening or if it’s just a dream. The whole ghosts story is a little bit fat-fetched... – A wet laughter escaped from Nick’s words, flew over those two bodies that were already locked together, feeling and feeding warmth and love. - … but I’m so relieved that you’ve finally seen that there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Or to be scared of. People will be happy for us. People will be disappointed. But I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love you.”

Brian stood on his tiptoes, a soft and light brush of lips that quickly turned into a play of hide-seek. “I love you too.”

“But... don’t shut me out. Ever again. - Nick murmured, each word punctuated by a butterfly kiss on the mouth, on the cheek, wherever they could land in a battle of wings. – I may not be able to help you. I may not be able to scare away your demons or bring that beautiful voice back. But I can protect you. I can take care of you. But I can only do if you let me in. If you let me see the blackness and the darkness blocking your light.”

“I’ll try my best.”

“It’s all I’m asking for.”

Brian didn’t reply. Not with words, at least. He felt tired, more tired that he had ever been before, more than after his heart surgery; more than every after show when panic attacks stole away confidence and security.

He felt tired but safe.

At peace.

And, for the first time, he let Nick hold his hand and lead him to their bedroom; for the first time, Brian let Nick take care of his tired body, taking off every pieces of clothes until fresh air hit his skin. But he wasn’t cold, he couldn’t get cold when Nick’s body wrapped around his body like a blanket, offering a safe shelter where his mind, heart and soul could hide and rest until the sun would get up again and shine a new light in their life.

Together.

Without being in the darkness anymore.  

 

 

 

*********

 

 

 

 

_The couple was staring, watching the other couple with a happy smile written on their faces. Arm wrapped around the waist, a head placed upon a shoulder, they were the silent observers of a reunion filled with so much love and hope._

_“See? I’ve told you that they were going to be okay.”_

_Nicholas kissed Thomas on his temple, inhaling that aroma that being a ghost hadn’t taken away from his memory. “You did.”_

_“Their love was just too strong. And now... – Thomas looked over Brian, curled up inside Nick’s embrace and sleeping so peacefully and comfortable. - ... now they’re stronger too.”_

_“They’re just like us.” Nicholas finally stated as the bedroom started to fade, losing its lines and figures until they couldn’t see anymore._

_Until they couldn’t be seen anymore._

Nick heard a movement, as if someone was leaving the room trying not to be seen or heard. Only, no one was there. Only, Nick couldn’t see who was walking around the room.

Then, for a brief second, two figures appeared in the moonlight: a tall blonde one, a protective arm wrapped around the smaller and sandy haired man’s waist.

A smile appeared on Nick’s face when he realized who those figures were.

“Thank you.” He just whispered as Thomas and Nicholas disappeared and all that was left was the first ray of the morning.

The dawn of a new day.

**Author's Note:**

> So... this story is something totally different and strange. I don't even know how it happened but, as soon as I started writing it, I couldn't stop it. Whether it's a good work or not, it's not up to me to decide. =)


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